Building Confidence

Were you born confident?  I’d hazard a guess that you weren’t. We develop confidence over time, through practice and experience. Not only that but it’s not linear. It ebbs and flows in our life dependent upon the circumstances or challenges that we’re faced with. And that’s OK. 

You might admire someone for their apparently oozing confidence without realising they feel terribly insecure inside. Of course, more often it is very apparent when people don’t feel confident, demonstrated by their behaviour, and you may even be able to detect this through their tone of voice, body language, or the language that they use. There really is enough material here to write a book, which is why many exist on the subject. No book today though, I’m going to focus on a select four areas that I’ve helped my Clients with.

Self Talk 

Let’s think about a work scenario. Imagine you have a very critical boss or colleague. They constantly put you down or diminish the value of your work. They say unkind things to you.  A quick digression - it’s said that, in relationships, we need 5 positive remarks to overcome every negative remark or criticism. This is because we naturally focus on the negative. So back to the boss/colleague.  How would you feel?  I’m guessing, not great. If you absorb what they said, it could start to make you feel really bad. And over the long term, if you didn’t work out how to handle it, it might knock your confidence.

Now, switch the boss for YOU.  Who do you speak to the most to in your life time?  Yes, yourself.  What kind of things do you say to yourself?  I’m talking about the harsh/mean things you might say.  Would you say these to a friend?  I think not.  How would your friend feel if you said these things to them?  They’d might be a bit offended, right?  So, please, consider how you talk to yourself. Telling yourself you need to be mean to motivate yourself is not true.  You’d get far more if you used encouraging language and phrases.  Replace things like “I’m an idiot” to “Ok, that didn’t go like I’d hoped, what I learned was X and next time I’ll do X so I get a different result.”

Comparisonitis

It’s natural to compare ourselves to others, we’re human. We might do this at work or in our private lives. And it can be useful e.g.  in the case of getting promoted, “I watched them do X, Y, Z, so that’s given me an idea of what I need to do” – perhaps especially so if your employer doesn’t give out clear criteria.  However, in the good old digital age that we’re in, comparisonitis is in over drive. You know that social media isn’t a true 24-7 reflection of the lives of others, yet somehow, you still find yourself snared in a tangle of envy.  Why do they have all that when I don’t?  If, there are accounts you follow that make you feel like that – then hide or unfollow.  It’s really not worth it. Stay in your own lane.  Think about how it makes you feel when you benchmark yourselves against others. If it doesn’t make you feel good - give it up.

Rehearse

Seriously, when people used to ask me what I did for a living, it used to make me shrivel up inside when I said the word, “Accountant”.  There is obviously absolutely nothing wrong with being an Accountant, but it really said nothing about what I did, and didn’t make me feel good when I said it. Cue confidence drain.  What I find helps my Clients is to think less about their specific label – Director, Manager, Account Executive and more about what it is they really do in their job and what their aspirations are. For example, “I’m Nikki, I help stressed out professionals to thrive both professionally and personally without sacrificing their wellbeing. It’s my goal to help you get clear on what you want so you can live a happier, more meaningful life and career.”  No mention of the word, “Coach”.  How can you apply this to your role? Think about what you do, and what your Client/Buyer gets as a result.  Then rehearse, rehearse, rehearse until it rolls off your tongue. So useful to have up your sleeve for networking events or meeting new business contacts.  And, also great to remember that you can apply rehearsal to many things – interview questions, difficult conversations you need to have, presentations.  Preparation is key, as is knowing your material.

Presence

Have you ever considered how much space you take up?  Psychologist Amy Cuddy did some fascinating research on body language and how it affects our confidence levels. Can you picture a powerful executive, leaning back, feet up on their desk?  Bet you can. I wonder whether your image is of a male or female…now picture someone in a meeting, legs crossed, hunched over, maybe with one hand on their neck.  Who do you think feels more confident?  Try them out for yourself.  If you’ve heard of power posing, this is where it comes from – the idea that by standing in a Wonder Woman stance for two minutes makes you feel more confident through the action of taking up more space.  It does.  So, if you’ve got a big meeting/interview, go and hide out in a toilet cubicle for a few minutes before to try it out. Or even better, stand in a star shape.  When I’ve presented this idea in workshops, I’ve had participants (both male and female) testify that it works.

These are but a few examples, there are many more!   If you’d like to work on how others see you and your overall confidence levels in networking or work situations, then please get in touch to set up a free Clarity Consultation with me.